the beginning

so i am supposed to journal, flow of consciousness just write and let it happen.  i have a giant stress ball in my stomach and it is eating me alive.  this morning it hurts a lot.  recently it wasn't hurting as much.  actually when i started to write there was a giant gurgle and something settled to somewhere.  or maybe that was the two tums i ate when i woke up to this pain.  another big gurgle.  maybe the weak coffee with almond milk, all i can handle these days.  getting used to it, which is crazy,  maybe i am crazy.  need to figure out what the fuck i want and can't seem to.  like why i am correcting my spelling but don't care about capitalization.  little miss perfect.  hate those red squiggly lines, want everyone to think i am smart and capable.  except when i'm not. another gurgle, smaller this time.
so, back to the stress ball.  damn stomach is tight, all the time.  trying to do some stomach breathing, down into my belly and almost can't.  big exhale lets the muscles relax, just for a second.  not long enough, they are tight again on the next breath.  can't even imagine meditating.  but i think that is why workouts work for me, forget my troubles for a while, forget to control my body, my mind and everything around me can only think about the next physical effort.  probably my stomach isn't in the picture, it knows when i am working out.  going to go four times this week, it will probably help.  set a goal to stay paleo this month, mostly knowing this would knock off some more body fat.  see myself as pretty fit now and the fat doesn't fit the fit...
well, got to go, have left some work things til the last minute, again, and now i need to do them.  nothing new there.
need to figure out that work thing, maybe i will write out that stream of consciousness, need to figure out what makes me happy, what is good stress for me at work, and what is bad stress.  and stop worrying about money, i never used to do that, what changed?