Stuff

the stress ball is losing

not a perfect journey, but the stress ball is losing.

what changed

so this stress ball thing is way better.  in my last posts i talked about owning my part in things, and that gave me perspective.  anger is anger, but understanding and accepting my role made a difference.  i can't control other, but i can make my own choices about how i feel.  some days it is still there, but i know it now.
also, telling others that i was angry and hurt helped.  gave me my voice back, didn't need to yell, just needed to speak.
also spoke about fear, and uncertainty and needing to wait.  which is what i still need to do.  am open to the vision, and that is a start.  need to do a new vision board.

#2

#2
haha
poo poo
shit
maybe it will be
i feel better, worked some stuff out.  ownership.  i create my own reality, i need to own my own "inaction"  mad at someone else, what did i do to create that, or not speak to it, or whatever
not their shit, mine
own it
also found a house with a view
can't afford it, but it resonated
what i need
sunshine
blue water
and that is all
made it the background to this blog, a window to my soul
plan to go to this beautiful place

so, hmmmm what up?

i had to process a lot of stuff before i went back to work, what was my role, what did i do, or not do.  apparently my mo is avoid, and i know that i did.  i felt like i tried, god how i tried.  when you constantly reach out and try and it is not reciprocated, you give up, and i know i did.  and giving up is not ok, that is mine to own. i didn't call her on it, well i did, but too little, too late.  too hard and too mean  i just need to think about what i do that gives others the impression that they can leave me last.  so fucking disrespectful  how did i ever give them the idea that was ok, seriously?  so, before i went in today, i came to an acceptance of my role, that i let it happen, i didn't call it, it was too hard and i gave up.  i think i tried, thinking back, i tried over and over again and again.. then i just let her have her way, convincing myself that i should not interfere.  so, today, i went to work, positive, ready, open.  the day went well. at the end of the day, i spoke with another staff person, to follow up, because, you know, i FUCKING CARE ....  i really do, i actually do, and it hurts that no one thinks i do.  so, anyway, she said, oh, we have a "xxx" meeting at 4:30.  a project i expressed interest in, attended and set some outcomes from.  i couldn't be at the follow up, but the next meeting (today) was set, and NO ONE let me know.  like i was fucking invisible.  and i couldn't stay today.  so, at 4:27 or so, give or take a minute or two, SHE lets me know, oh, we are having an XXX meeting, if you want to come.  really.  3 minute warning.  no respect for me, my time, for anything.  so, what i take is 1) i am not important to the meeting  2)  you don't want me there because I might present a different view 3) i am invisible and you just forgot me.. (same as 1).
she sent me an email, in response to one I sent 22 days prior.  just catching up... lol   really?  what if I took two or three weeks to answer your emails?
anyway, back to me.  she suggested that I was not hearing things.  huh
always some truth, but in this case what she suggested is actually her truth.  she only hears the parts she agrees with and filters the rest
so, what to do.\
1) confront the disrespect-
2)  ask about the filter, we all have one, what is her's
3) make peace, choose your battles

the beginning

so i am supposed to journal, flow of consciousness just write and let it happen.  i have a giant stress ball in my stomach and it is eating me alive.  this morning it hurts a lot.  recently it wasn't hurting as much.  actually when i started to write there was a giant gurgle and something settled to somewhere.  or maybe that was the two tums i ate when i woke up to this pain.  another big gurgle.  maybe the weak coffee with almond milk, all i can handle these days.  getting used to it, which is crazy,  maybe i am crazy.  need to figure out what the fuck i want and can't seem to.  like why i am correcting my spelling but don't care about capitalization.  little miss perfect.  hate those red squiggly lines, want everyone to think i am smart and capable.  except when i'm not. another gurgle, smaller this time.
so, back to the stress ball.  damn stomach is tight, all the time.  trying to do some stomach breathing, down into my belly and almost can't.  big exhale lets the muscles relax, just for a second.  not long enough, they are tight again on the next breath.  can't even imagine meditating.  but i think that is why workouts work for me, forget my troubles for a while, forget to control my body, my mind and everything around me can only think about the next physical effort.  probably my stomach isn't in the picture, it knows when i am working out.  going to go four times this week, it will probably help.  set a goal to stay paleo this month, mostly knowing this would knock off some more body fat.  see myself as pretty fit now and the fat doesn't fit the fit...
well, got to go, have left some work things til the last minute, again, and now i need to do them.  nothing new there.
need to figure out that work thing, maybe i will write out that stream of consciousness, need to figure out what makes me happy, what is good stress for me at work, and what is bad stress.  and stop worrying about money, i never used to do that, what changed?